The Power of Guidance Over Heroism in Difficult Conversations

Have you ever noticed that when you try to "win" a conversation, things usually go south? In the business world, we often fall into the trap of trying to be the "hero" of the story. We want to be the one with all the answers who saves the day! But honestly, that often just makes other people feel defensive. If we want to build real, lasting trust, we need to make a bit of a shift. We need to stop trying to be the hero and start being the "guide."

Think of it this way: your client or your teammate is the Hero. They’re the ones on the journey, trying to get things done but facing some tricky obstacles. You are their Guide. You’re there to offer the wisdom and tools they need to succeed. When you stop competing for the spotlight, people start to trust you almost immediately! It turns a stressful argument into a shared project.

What makes a great Guide?

Being a guide isn't just about being "nice." It's actually a professional requirement if you want your team to do well! You need a few specific traits to make this work:

First, you need a balance of Empathy and Authority.

Empathy means you actually care about how the other person feels. Authority means you have a clear plan to help them. If you’re all heart but have no plan, you’re just a bystander! But if you have all the rules and no heart, you’re just a bossy tyrant. You also need Foresight to see problems before they happen, and absolute Honesty so that everyone knows where they stand.

These traits help you communicate more humanely, whether you’re sending a quick email or chatting over coffee.

How to handle the tough stuff

When things go wrong, it’s easy to get defensive. But a true Guide stays calm! Think of the problem as a "Dragon" and your solution as a "Magic Item" you’re giving to the Hero.

Before you say a word, get your head in the right place. Be like a calm mentor who is ready for anything. Start by just listening! Let the other person vent their frustration without jumping in to defend yourself. Once they’ve finished, summarise what they said to make sure you’re both on the same page.

Here is the most important part: you have to acknowledge their feelings. You might need to apologise for the impact of the situation. Even if it wasn't your fault, you can still say you’re sorry they’re feeling stressed or let down. This clears the air so you can actually start solving the problem together!

Preparing for the big conversations

We all have those Seriously Considered Conversations (or SCCs) that feel a bit scary. To get these right, you need to do a bit of prep work. Ask yourself some honest questions first. Stop thinking about things as "right or wrong" and start being curious about the other person’s perspective.

A big mistake we all make is assuming that because we feel hurt, the other person meant to hurt us. But usually, that isn't true! A Guide separates the Impact from the Intention. Treat your guess about their motives as just a theory, not a fact. This keeps your communication grounded and stops you from judging people too quickly.

Using the right words

The way you speak and write really matters. A Guide sticks to the facts. Instead of saying a colleague is "lazy," try saying, "I noticed the report was three days late." It is much harder to argue with a fact than a mean label!

Also, try using "I" statements. Instead of telling someone what they need to do, tell them what you value. For example, say, "I really value having a clear plan," rather than "You never give me enough direction." It sounds much friendlier and invites the other person to help you out. If a conversation gets stuck in the past, just suggest a "meta-talk" to shift the focus to the future. You could say, "It feels like we're stuck on what went wrong; can we talk about how to fix it for next time?"

Building a better culture together

When everyone starts acting like a Guide, the whole vibe of the office changes! We stop looking for someone to blame and start looking at how we all contributed to the problem. Blame is all about the past, but contribution is about the future. It helps us learn and grow together.

At the end of the day, these tough talks aren't threats. They are actually great opportunities to connect with people on a deeper level. By being a calm and confident Guide, you can fix the big issues while keeping your work relationships strong. Perhaps we should all try to speak and write with a bit more clarity and a lot more heart!