Beyond Fight, Flight and Freeze there are also Fawn and Fester as responses to Conflict

Our brains have evolved over eons to start getting us freaked out even at the whiff of possible conflict. Not all of us, but most of us. And what this means is that we are getting ready to do the F’s: fight, flee, freeze, fawn, fester.

The last two on that list of F’s, I think, are really interesting, and I came across them in a review of a new book on conflict called “Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In” by Robert Bordone, Joel Salinas, M.D.

In the face of conflict or potential conflict, the standard responses are we fight, we flee (run away) or we freeze (we do nothing as we are paralysed by indecision or fear).

But some of us also FAWN. We go into that obsequious mode and start sucking up to the person that our brains have registered as conflictual or triggering a conflict. That is a very interesting response, and I know, hell, I’ve done it.

And then there is also FESTER. Isn’t that a response we all know? We let our feelings and opinions stew and rot. We don’t engage or face the conflict but internalise it or share it with third parties. And this leads to putrefying internal spaces and external environments.

So what are we to do? Lots. But I want to suggest two things:

• Be more AWARE of your response in the face of conflict or potential conflict. Which of the F’s do you tend towards? Just bring your awareness to it and name what you are doing. This will go along way.

• And then work on your skills of ENGAGEMENT. Work to connect with the other person. This is a big area of course, but I think it starts with listening and then it continues with valuing yourself as much as you (hard as it feels) value the other person.