Communicating when stressed - start by listening

When the stress mounts in a communicative situation, most of us are on our worst behaviour. I’m no neuroscientist, but biology is definitely against us: bad chemicals get released in our brain when we are stressed. Our brains close down and we revert to some primal behaviour, mostly characterised by the three F’s: fight, flee or freeze. We become aggressive, we run away or we go bunny-in-the-headlights.

The most important thing to do, and it sounds simple and it takes a conscious effort, is to listen actively. Take the focus off yourself and work hard to understand what the other person is saying. What is their message? What emotions are behind what they are saying?

Listening is so powerful because it moves you into a different part of your brain. By becoming more rational and problem solving, you mitigate some of the effects of the emotional, reactive parts of the brain. And also by showing that you are trying to understand the other person you are taking steps to de-escalate. And this is good of course.

So what does active listening look like? Two main things:

1. You make encouraging sounds like “Uh-huh”, and say encouraging things like “Go on” and “I see”. This is good because it keeps the other person talking and stops you from taking a stand. You see, you don’t have to take a stand. First and foremost you have to connect. 

   
   

2. You reflect what you have heard the other person say. You listen first, you encourage as per 1. above, and then you play back to the person what they have just said to you. Of course, not word-for-word. You paraphrase. You say something like, “So if I’m understanding you correctly, the main issue is A because of B.”

So, when next you are in a stressful encounter, the first thing to do is not to breath. Of course you are going to breath. The first thing to do is listen actively. There is more to this, but if you do 1. and 2. above, you will be doing two critical things by listening: gathering information and building a connection.

And this is vital. Because you can’t correct until you connect!