Conflict Management 101: The Five Ways to Handle Conflict

Here’s a potential conflict situation: your manager wants Option A. You're convinced Option B is better. What do you do? Force your point? Find a compromise? Or just let it go? There is actually no right answer – it all depends. But what is important is that whatever you do, it comes from a place of conscious consideration rather than knee-jerk reaction.

Since conflict is inevitable, the real skill isn't avoiding it; it's handling it strategically when it arises.

Enter the Thomas-Kilmann model. Developed in the 1970s, the Thomas-Kilmann model has stood the test of time for good reason. This model lays out five distinct ways to approach conflict (or potential conflict). It is easy enough to understand – the skill is knowing when to use which approach.  

Two dimensions make up the model: assertiveness and cooperation. And when you map these in different combinations, you get five modes of handling conflict.

Let’s take a closer look at these five modes. 

Mode 1: COMPETING

This is an I-win-you-lose approach. It’s high on assertiveness and low on cooperation. In other words, you want to achieve your goal and the relationship with the other person is not very important.

When to use it?

1. Stress is high or moderate

2. Problem is simple: unidimensional

3. Problem is more important to you than to others

4. There is little time for discussion

5. Low or moderate levels of trust exist

6. People are not concerned with sustaining their relationships

Real-world example: A manager enforces a zero-tolerance health and safety policy on a cook, prioritising the rule over the employee's objection.

What to be careful of: Overuse it and you damage relationships.

Mode 2: AVOIDING

The label speaks for itself – this is sidestepping the conflict entirely. It’s low on assertive and low on cooperation. In other words, neither the outcome or goal, nor the relationship with the other person, is very important to you.

When to use:

1. Stress is overwhelming

2. Problem is simple: unidimensional

3. Problem is not important

4. There is little time for discussion

5. Low levels of trust exist

6. People don’t particularly care about their relationships

Real-world example: A boss ignores a direct report silently switching out a cheap, broken office chair with an identical one from an empty desk.

What to be careful of: Avoidance can let problems fester.

Mode 3: ACCOMMODATING

Here you are silently say: "You win, I'm good with that". It’s low on assertiveness but high on cooperation. The relationship matters more than this particular win.

When to use:

1. Stress is moderate or high

2. Problem is simple: unidimensional

3. Problem is more important to others

4. There is little time for discussion

5. Moderate or low levels of trust exist

6. People are eager to please others to maintain their relationships

Real-world example: Your team wants to meet Tuesday instead of Wednesday and your schedule is flexible? Just accommodate.

What to be careful of: Do it too much and you get walked over

MODE 4: COMPROMISING

This is the meet-in-the-middle style. It’s moderately assertive and moderately cooperative. The relationship is somewhat important and so is the goal or outcome. 

When to use:

1. Stress is high or moderate

2. Problem is simple: unidimensional

3. Problem is moderately important to all

4. There is little time for discussion

5. Moderate or low levels of trust exist

6. People are indifferent about their relationships

Real-world example: Budget negotiations where everyone gives a little to get a workable solution.

What to be careful of: Nobody gets what they really want

MODE 5: COLLABORATING

If ever there was, this is the true win-win style. It’s hight on assertion and cooperativeness. The relationship is very important and so is the goal or outcome.

When to use:

1. Stress is stimulating

2. Problem is complex: multidimensional

3. Problem is equally important to all

4. There is much time for discussion

5. High levels of trust exist

6. People want their relationships to last

Real-world example: Project teams from two different departments meet to fully understand root causes, creating a win-win solution for a quality issue.

What to be careful of: It's time-intensive, so save it for what matters.

When to use which style, as you can see above, is related to factors such as levels of stress, complexity of the problem, importance of getting the outcome you want, importance and quality of the relationship, and the amount of time you have.

But if you want to simplify things, there are really just three questions you have to ask yourself as you bring a more conscious awareness to the conflict, or potential conflict, and decide how to respond:

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1.     How important is this outcome to me?

2.     How important is this relationship?

3.     How much time do I have?

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Your answers will guide you to which of the five ways to handle conflict you should be using.

In theory, this sounds logical and straightforward. But it's not. When conflict hits, our brains default to familiar patterns. The first step is recognising your preferred mode – which one do you naturally gravitate towards? Then, in the moment, pause and ask: “Is this the right style for this situation, or am I just doing what feels comfortable?”

Conflict management is a learnable skill, and like any skill, it gets better with practise and guidance. If you'd like to explore conflict management training for your team, I'd love to chat about creating a program that fits your specific challenges. [michael@thelanguageboss.com]